Fear and what I found about about myself

Do what you have to do today so you can do what you want tomorrow. What you to really want is a life us that takes pride that you have lived, and that takes work. The only way that we can truly live, is to grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change.  The only way to change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way we can become exposed is if we are willing to place ourselves out there and work through life’s difficulties.

Fear

• Fear is a deeply rooted primal feeling

• Fear underlies responses like submissiveness, aggression and detachment

• As we mature, we learn to master our real feelings, however our ideal self makes it difficult to access our real feelings and needs

• To gain the care and approval of our carers we construct an “Ideal Self”

• We lose touch with our real self, and become dependent on others for a validation of our ideal, false self.

• As a defence of our idea self, we project our unacceptable feelings onto our environment, hold external things responsible for our difficulties

• Guilt and self – contempt arise from ceasing to strive for authenticity and from the waste we sense in our “unlived” life.

• To find our ‘self’ and real self-assurance, we need to rediscover our own needs and feelings, and to penetrate our fears.

• We can discover our real self and illuminate our blind spots if we listen to and acknowledge others and examine the patterns of our lives.

As a rule, the little child experiences fear and discomfort because something is lacking and the only attentive insightful adult can assuage Fear. The prerequisite is that the infant has most experiences with a good and stable person. The child’s experience with the ‘bad mother’, experiencing frustration and depravation must be in doses it can handle.

The feeling the child gets from being held is a feeling of ‘being right’ or basic goodness, which is a prerequisite for the child feeling that they are ‘ok’ and is cherished.
An important aspect of parenting involves supporting the development of the child’s ability to express feelings authentically, and in proportion to the situation which gives raise to such feelings.
At some time during the early years of childhood, the child learns to express feelings which are not their natural feelings.

We are placed in many situation that give raise to conflict
We all encounter conflicts. In our relationships we cannot avoid occasions in which our desires, our interests, our convictions or our needs collide with those of our partners’.
When we forgo our own wishes, and submit to others, it can indicate that as children, we accepted our own powerlessness.

The need to feel safe ad secure is so great that most of what we do is directed towards this. That’s why we become very sensitive to our partners needs.
To have control is often seen as a sign of strength, however few realise that power seeking has its roots in feelings of insecurity, despair and powerlessness.

The partner with the aggressive chrematistics desires control of their intimal, so that they feel safe from being hurt, so that they can avoid contact with their own subconscious helplessness, powerlessness and despair. The dominating partner cannot ‘see’ that the other person is not longer, a little, helpless child, who does not need to put up with being treated badly. There are always two sides to the same story.

Another way of dealing with uncomfortable conflict is to remove ourselves from people and display a need to distance ourselves.

When contact and dealings with others creates an unbearable tension, and solitude is first and foremost a way of avoiding this tension, we can interpret the wish for solitude as a sign of a forced action.

We stay away from others because as children we felt misunderstood. Such people build their own world in nature, business, with books, music, dreams and also many turn to drugs.
The individual may be withdrawn, so much that they become a stranger to others and to themselves. They maybe unsure who they are, who they dislikes, what they lust after; what their hopes are, their fears and beliefs in.

When they detach they think they have some form of integrity with that distance, in actual fact that is far from the case. They end up with nothing of themselves at all.
When the emotional distance between partners is reasonably; similar then it is possible to show long lasting loyalty.

Withdrawal as a protection from exploitation. This is extremely unbeneficial for anyone in long term.
Our dilemma is that we cannot live without our mothers and fathers love, but neither can we live or be true to ourselves without expressing our feelings and our needs.

We are a social animal and so, innately, compare ourselves to others. And if we feel weak and contemptible and deep down, we are driven to construct a self that feels better and more valuable than others.

The more we see life as a merciless struggle the more we see doubt as a sign of weakness.
We all need to accept that our partners may have experienced something different to what we did, and because of this they will react in a different way to ourselves.
Truth is more easily recognised than learned.

We learn to believe what our partner’s tells us, even if it can be difficult as our interpretation is based on our own background and experiences. It is an intrusion on our partners to pretend to know their mind. It is possible that in some situations when we are not emotionally involved we can better see what is appropriate. Even if this were the case in specific situations, it is still important to ask your partner if they would like to hear your views.

Our partner may experience our lack of acceptance as rejections, this, if being true to ourselves is not the case, as it takes courage to become emotionally involved. The balance that is needed is that we must reach and hold onto our own truth.
You may be afraid to getting too close to your partner, because you do not want to experience your own helplessness.

The paradox of change and growth is to face up to and admit what we are and what we are experiencing. When we are able to acknowledge and name various situations, experience and feelings, we can start to change.

Mistakes
Mistakes are a function of growth and changing awareness. They are an absolute prerequisite for any learning process.

You are different by virtue of information before you encountered a mistake. “I” solves nothing to damage your self-esteem now by castigating yourself for not being able to see the future back then. Chalk it up to experience. Pay for the lesion once, once only- Attacking yourself is like paying for it again and again. Once for making the mistake and one in form of a mugging from you, and to continue to do is really killing you in many ways, over and over again. Even when others keep bringing that up in conversations, you are continuing to attack yourself and you don’t want to be around those who keep bringing it up.

There is no way you can learn any task or skill without errors.
Every error tells you what you need to correct, every error brings you incrementally nearer to the behavioural sequence that works best for completion of a task.

People who cannot stand making mistakes have great trouble learning. They are scared to get a new job/ career because they would be faced with new procedures and challenges. They are afraid to try something new because of all the mistakes (inevitable) in doing mistakes before their body/mind emotional learn the subtle adjustments necessary.

• Ignorance: Many times you have no valid way of predicting consequences as you have never been faced with a similar circumstance before. In effect you are flying blind.

• Forgetting: There is no way in remembering every consequence of every act you have performed. Many events are lost to awareness because they are not sufficiently painful or important. As a result you frequently repeat mistakes. You simply cannot recall how things turned out the last time.

• Denial: People deny; disregard the consequences of previous mistakes for one or two reasons: FEAR or NEED: Sometimes they are afraid of change or to change or of doing things differently that they deny r minimize the negative consequences of their mistakes. Faced with the same choice again, they repeat a painful error. All the alternatives seem too threatening.

• No Alternatives: Many mistakes gets repeated, people are simply unaware of any better way to act. They lack the skills, abilities or experience to generate new strategies ad solutions.
• Habits: Ingrained for a lifetime, prevents you from evaluating or having the slightest awareness of your choices.

For many of you decisions, forgetting, denial, habit and so on prevent you from making use of your experience. What you know and what has happened to you before is simply unavailable at the moment you decide to act. You cannot be blamed for this. You awareness however limited, was all you had to go on when you made the mistake.

Words
You are a human being like me. You are trying to survive.
When you hurt me, you were trying to survive. You do your best, given the limitations and your understanding of the situation at the time. I can understand your motivations, your fears, and your hopes. I share them because I am human too. I may not like what you did, I can understand it.

I accept the fact that you hurt me. I do not like it; I so not make you bad for doing that. Nothing now can change what happened.
I forgive you. I may not approve or agree, I can forgive, I can let go of the past and wipe the slate clean. I know better that to expect atonement. I let go of revenge and resentment. Our differences are in the past. I am in control of the present and I can forgive you in the present. I leave my anger behind. As it has no purpose.

I am a human being, I am worthwhile just because I exists, and surviving. I take myself seriously; I correctly take myself into consideration first in all matters.
I have legitimate needs and wants. I can choose what I need and want without justify it to anybody. I make choices and I take responsibility for them.

I always so my best. Each thought and action is the best I am capable of at the time. I am human, I do make mistakes. I do accept my mistakes without blame and judgement. When I make a mistake, I learn from it. I am sho I am and I learned to forgive myself for my mistakes.

I know that others are equally worthy, equally who they areas they are. I have compassion for survival that I am.
School was my parents’ idea, I wanted to please them. Even now I am in need of them to be pleased with me for doing what I have been doing.
Not making mistakes was important to my father. I can only learn by trying. If I worry about mistakes, I’ll Freeze and stop learning, stop living.

I thought that being cleaver talker/ person would help me fit in. I thought learning about other peoples work/hobbies etc, would help me fit in. It is too much work and it’s not for me. I like to ask questions and get to know the other person for who they are not what they have.

I feel I need to know many things, to look good to my lover and please them in many ways. I am happier just hanging out. I rather weigh what I do than live in tyranny of diets and scales.

• It is important to acknowledge the wrongness of what you did to a person you hurt. This makes it clear that you are accepting responsibility for your behaviour.

• You should atone directly to the person you wronged. Donating money, charity work, becoming big brother or joining green peace or cancer council will atone less effectively that direct assisting the one you hurt.

• The atonement should be real, rather than symbolic. Lightening candles or writing poems. To atone has to cost you something in time, money, effort or even anxiety. Tangible enough so that it has an impact on your relationship with the person who is hurt.

• Your atonement should be commensurate with the wrong done. If you offence was a moment of irritability, then a brief apology should do the trick. If however you have been cold and remote for past few months or years or more, then you will have to do a little better than “I am sorry”.
I let my partner do what he needs to do, if I do not get enough attention, I may feel resentful.
I am reluctant to express anger with my friends.

I am reasonable with strange men in social gatherings
Ninety five percent of the time I am supportive, several times I do nag and hassle.
I am nervous and restless being alone.
On two occasions in the past year, I have said something which I should not have as it distanced me from my partner. Although I had to be true to myself, I felt this distancing.
I sulk when my partner works all the time, other wise I make a real effort to be cheerful.
I get irritable with people about promises which are never kept.
Tend to defer to others who have strong opinions.
Forget special occasions, appointments on occasions.
Occasionally forget keys and papers.

Know little about current events or history, do not read the newspapers. Know a lot about animals, cars, dance, behaviours, scrap booking, painting, photography, art, garden, places, and people.

Occasionally forget to fill in items in order forms.

Being restless is not a problem, does not bother me.

I plan, I cope, I now decide. I continue to live and feel. This awareness begins to soak in, I let myself really feel the struggle, and I begin to teach and start to show my worth. It is the force of life energy that keeps me trying. The degree of success is irrelevant. How good I look, how psychologically or physically nourished I am, is irrelevant. The only thing that counts is the effort. The source of my worth is the effort.

I can forgive and let go of the failures and mistakes because I have already paid for them. It is my condition that I do not always know the best way or even knowing the way, I do not have all the resources to follow it. My worth then is that I was born into this place. I continue to live despite the enormous difficulty of the struggle.

At the present I find it easier to understand, accept and forgive others that to understand, accept and forgive myself. I sometimes might find it relatively easy to feel compassion for myself and that I am irritated at failings of others.

In either case; this lowers my self esteem.
I am learning to give myself a break that is leading me to a more compassionate view.
Accepting, forgiving the foibles of others, my own short falls so not seem to be so enormous. True Empathy is the ultimate antidote to anger and resentment.

Anger is caused by your thoughts, not others’ actions. When you take the time to thoroughly understand another’s thoughts and motives, the mind reading and blaming are short circuited. I then see the logic or like the actions, I understand. I come to see that real evil and meanness is very rare, the vast majority of people are seeking pleasure or avoiding pain, in what it seems to them to be the best way at the time. I see how little my own worth or actions enter into the equation. I am free to accept the facts of the matter forgive the offender and move on.

I have found that paraphrasing is an important part of listening with empathy as it keeps me on track. Whatever people are talking about, I ask for clarification and amplification. I resist my impulse to argue or jump in with an anecdote of my own. Noticing when I start judging hem in my own mind and set the judgements aside. Remembering I do not have to love them, I am just trying to understand something without my own self talk getting in the way. Especially watching out for any comparisons with myself that I find making.

• I have accepted that my partner has hostel attitude to me.
• At times I do not trust my partners feelings and intentions
• I rebel in everyway I can when I am cornered.
• As a Child I experienced strong annihilation in many situations
• I sometimes become afraid if someone comes too close
• I sometimes get annoyed if others count on me. I have that feeling that they want to control me.
• I was not aware of how little I gave myself.
• Love is immensely important to me
• Family is immensely important to me
• I now panic at the thought of marriage
• I panic now when someone wants to be close to me.
• I can cure my suffering by being aware of it.
• As I child I experienced Sexual abuse and physical abuse with mental abuse.
• I want to win over my partner, also at the same time I fear my partner.
• Sex is important to me

I was not even sure I liked my partner, and slipped away to spend time in nature, business, watching TV, playing computer games, dreaming of future.

I take a look at myself and test if what I abhor in others to see if in fact I suppress sides of my own nature.

Sexual satisfaction can depend on whether I physical need emanated from love or solely from physical attraction.

When I am able to relax in an embrace, I am better able to enjoy both being together and being apart.
When I feel sure of myself, physical contact with my partner is problematic situation can make me relax. Instead of talking, I learn to hold my partner to ease any upset.

When I begin struggling with myself instead of with my partner, I am able to start enjoying true intimacy and closeness. Everybody has the right to choose the company they keep, that does not mean they can decide whether I am good enough. Think about this when your partner rejects you next time.

• It is close relationships that give meaning: the next most important things we can give another human being are not material, but human.

• Love is a child of freedom, conflicts are natural in thriving relationships involving two distinct individuals, and each grounded in them.

• Struggle with yourself not with your partner, to enjoy true intimacy; do not transfer your troubles or hide facets of yourself from your partner.

• When we learn to love…. Acceptance of others follows.

• We seek refuge from our essential aloneness is sexuality – Sex without love only builds flimsy weak and temporary bridges between people.

It takes personal development to maintain deep relaxed contact with your partner. Avoidance, leaving without explanation or contact develops your self hatred and extremely low self esteem.
Freedom is not attained by distancing yourself from people who you are in conflict with. It jails you, torments you and your family.

Believe in yourself, your partner, the one person who believes in you. There is always room for two.
Who is it that believes in you that you blame the most, it is properly the one person who you really care for and who you need to face. To have the freedom to live the life you are meant to have…. not what blame has placed you in. The anger inside you is yours and you have to release that yourself. Blame game is not the right thing. You’re the person who is angry. Your emotions. Your responsibility, no other’s.

People lie for various reasons. The truth is that everyone lies and
everyone is lied to. Below you will find the most common reasons that
people lie. 72 % is like below, the other 15% lie for manipulation, 13 for gain in money, .


• Fear of harm: The easiest reason to understand why we lie is for self protection, including self deception, to prevent harm to ourselves. This harm can be either physical or mental.

• Fear of conflict: To some degree, we all fear having an argument.

• Fear of punishment: When growing up, how often did we lie about how well we did in school, or who started a fight? How often do we cover up our mistakes and transgressions?

• Fear of rejection: Sometimes, our insecurities are the foundation of why we lie to each other, because we want to be remain popular in our relationships. Typically, it is harmless boasting to make ourselves appear more admirable to other people.

• Fear of loss: This is usually the loss of personal objects, such as money or expensive valuables. Greed is the foundation for this reason and can be found in each of us. We often lie to make ourselves more desirable to other people too. Most common, people lie for fear of losing an opportunity to have sex. Other times, when our self esteem starts to decline, we even lie to ourselves as means to prevent loss of morale.

• Altruistic Reasons: We often lie to help our friends and loved ones.
How often do we flattery someone just to make them feel better? This is the only selfless reason why we lie.


While it is important to understand the different reasons that people lie, it is even more important to know when they are lying.

 

Do what you have to do today so you can do what you want tomorrow. What you to really want is a life us that takes pride that you have lived, and that takes work. The only way that we can truly live, is to grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change.  The only way to change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way we can become exposed is if we are willing to place ourselves out there and work through life’s difficulties.

by Sonia F Stevens (1992)